I’ve been getting lots of interesting messages from readers of this blog. Many of them are emailed to me privately and one message today really touched my heart…

I’ll keeping her name confidential but here’s what she wrote:.

Rich – It’s very inspirational and scary to follow your blog on ThatConfidenceGuy.com

I’m going through a really rough time but also a fantastic time. I read that quote from your friend Michael Neill:

“Your day doesn’t create your mood; your mood creates your day…

When your mood is low, the world looks bleak; when your mood is high, you feel like you can take over the world. When your mood is high, your partner is the most wonderful man or woman in the world; when your mood is low, they’re a complete bastard.”

And being an emotional roller coaster kind of person who’s mood changes all the time, I know exactly what he’s talking about.

What I ask myself though is: how do you know when the people around you aren’t good for you and when you’re just in a bad mood? Is it possible that you’re in a bad mood because they’re bastards or is it the other way around?

My mind is working on over-time all the time and stressing me out asking all kinds of questions leaving me in doubt about almost everything. I have days where I feel great and fantastic and beautiful and days I feel the exact opposite.

I’ve been meaning to write you for a while now and I’m not really sure what I wanted to say apart from the fact that; life is beautiful and hard and amazing and complicated and you’re not alone, I am not alone.

I keep forgetting that and you and your blog help me remember.

So I just wanted to say thank you and God bless!!
Love,

S

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First of all, S…

Thank you.

Thank you for sharing your pain.
Thank you for sharing your joy.
Thank you for being vulnerable.
And thank you for reminding me that I am not alone. You are not alone, either.

Ahh. Who am I kidding?

Its SO easy for me to imagine that I’m alone in all this.
I’m alone.

Dealing with my own unique set of issues that no one else could possibly understand.

So I withdraw.
I talk to you less.
And then I resent you.
For not talking to me!

Here are my thoughts on your question “how do you know when the people around you aren’t good for you and when you’re just in a bad mood?”

The truth is, your mood is ALWAYS in your control.

Don’t believe me?

Steven Covey tells a great story of a train ride, where the kids near him began to get more and more boisterous. They began to run around the carriage and their shrieks and screams began to bother him more and more. He felt the anger build up in side of him. Finally he felt that it was too important to say nothing. He was ANGRY now. The father and the kids needed to be taught a lesson.

He said to their father Can’t you do something about your children. They are disturbing the whole carriage. Its pretty selfish, you know.

The father looked up at him with kind of a blank look on his face and said Oh really. I’m sorry. I hadn’t noticed. Their mother just died and we’re coming back from the service…

Did you feel that?
How do you think he felt in that moment?
That story hits me in the gut every time I hear it. (I have been that angry guy.)

So, I’ll say it again: your mood is ALWAYS in your control.

.

One of the simple skills I teach my clients is what I call Optimizing Your Environment…

Can you think of some activities you do that raise your energy level, whatever mood you are in?
- For me this list includes being near water, exercising, reading a great book, listening to anything by Bob Marley, going to a fun dinner party and going to the theater. (For one of my friends, watching Buffy is something that is guaranteed to make him feel great!)

Now, can you think of those people who when you are around them, you just feel great?
- For me this list includes Jamie, Guy, Decker, Michael, Jerry, Garrison.

The next bit is easy… As my grandma would say, do MORE of that!
Spend more time doing activities that raise your energy level; spend more time with people who when you are around them, you just feel great.

.

And there’s a corollary.
Think of some activities you do that lower your energy level, whatever mood you are in.
- For me this list includes aimlessly surfing the internet for hours and staying indoors for an entire day.

Can you think of those people who when you are around them, you just feel great?
Well. I ain’t gonna name names. But there are a few people (who I still love) but I choose to spend less time with.

And Yes. You are right. Since my mood is ALWAYS in my control, I could simply CHOOSE to be happier around those people.

But you know, sometimes life is just too short! I’ll work on being a saint in my next lifetime. In this one, I am working on living a happy life So I spend less and less time with some people and more and more with others…

So, S. asked Is it possible that you’re in a bad mood because they’re bastards or is it the other way around?

My answer is: Who cares?
If you notice yourself feeling consistently wonderful around certain people. Spend more time with them. And if you notice you feel consistently in a bad mood around certain people. Spend less time with them.

And one final thought.
Those people who when you are around them you feel consistently in a great mood…
Seek out MORE people like them…

You’ll be glad you did!

*****

“Here’s what I want you to do next.” - Email me one thing you do that’s guaranteed to make you feel WONDERFUL!

*****

Rich Litvin
that confidence guy.

Author, Speaker, Confidence Coach, Entrepreneur
rich@thatconfidenceguy.com

My wife, Monique, is taking time out to reflect on what she really wants in a relationship. And ultimately to decide whether or not she wants to be in our relationship.

It’s painful.

I’m in pain.

And I wouldn’t be anywhere else right now.

I used to say to people “relationships are challenging” – well, they are, aren’t they?!

And then I realized that if I keep saying that relationships are challenging, I’m going to keep creating challenging relationships.

So I changed my wording.
I began to say “relationships are an adventure…”

Adventure is an important value to me. (It’s the reason I am writing this article in a cafe in central Bangkok. It’s the reason started traveled alone at 19, worked in Africa and Asia and left a successful career and sold everything I own to leave my home in London, England, four years ago and totally reinvented my life.)

And this current relationship sure IS an adventure!

Almost three years ago, I met a beautiful woman when I was traveling in San Francisco. I proposed to her ten days after I met her. She said yes!

And we took off to India a month after we met, as she’s an amazing singer (www.moniquedebose.com) and was performing in New Delhi for 4 months. We returned and got married in the stunning City Hall in San Francisco. We spent an entire year traveling across Europe, Africa and Asia.

We lived in San Francisco for a year. We got re-married last summer in England, celebrating with my British friends and family and her family who flew over with us.

We volunteered on the Obama campaign together. We even got to meet Barack Obama in March 2008 – and when he asked me why an Englishman was helping his campaign, I joked that I’d flown over to help him. He laughed and said, no seriously…

I pointed at Monique and said I’m here because of her. He smiled and said that’s one fine looking woman!

We spent 3 months apart when she performed in Beijing, China. And now we are heading to a beach in Thailand, to work out what next.

She’s doing some serious thinking right now to work out what she wants.
And that’s not easy for me.

My wife is debating whether or not she wants to be with me.

And I support her.
She’s an amazing woman. And I want the best for her.
I love her.

And boy is it painful to know that she may decide she wants something different.

What’s strange for me, though, is that I have no regrets.
I have played full out.
I have been more me than in any other relationship.

I’ve shared much pleasure and pain with this woman.
I’ve stepped further into my power since we met and she has done the same.
I’ve seen my flaws and my fears and my failings and I have learned and grown. And sometimes I’ve stayed small, too.

I feel pretty solid.
I feel grounded in a sense of my purpose in the world – I help people turn great lives into amazing lives.

And I’m living an amazing life right now.

If we stay together our lives will be amazing.

If we split up our lives will be amazing.

I truly believe that.

AND I’m in pain.
I’m keeping my heart open when I just want to close it and run off on my own.

I’m in pain.
And I’m smiling.

**************

PS. Monique just turned up in the internet cafe as I wrote the last word of this article and I read it to her. By the end, our eyes were glistening with tears…

Rich Litvin
that confidence guy.

Author, Speaker, Confidence Coach, Entrepreneur
rich@thatconfidenceguy.com