Comments on: “My husband cheated. He expects me to forgive and forget. I have kids. What should I do?” http://thatconfidenceguy.com/2009/06/my-husband-cheated-he-expects-me-to-forgive-and-forget-i-have-kids-what-should-i-do/ one of the world’s most exclusive coaches: you are more powerful than you think Wed, 27 Apr 2011 16:14:55 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.4 By: MM http://thatconfidenceguy.com/2009/06/my-husband-cheated-he-expects-me-to-forgive-and-forget-i-have-kids-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-941 MM Wed, 27 Apr 2011 16:14:55 +0000 http://thatconfidenceguy.com/?p=698#comment-941 Dear M, My husband had an affair 1 1/2 years ago with one of his best friends. It took me months to trust him and over a year not to be angry anytime I heard her name. If you love him unconditionally, it is worth saving the marriage. I told my husband we were going to do the 40 day love dare or go to couseling. He chose to do the Love Dare and in him doing that it transformed how we both looked at each other and how we treated each other. It takes both sides to commit to the other. I believe in second chances. I believe in forgiveness. But to truly forgive is to also trust. There is no future with trust missing. Learning to trust again takes time and courage. It takes him re-committing himself to the relationship and I remember telling my husband he had to choose. When someone tells you to forget, well, you don't forget. But inside of all of this, a new relationship can be created between the two of you if that is what you want. It can be something far better than what would seem possible. If my husband were to make the same choice again, the outcome would be different. To forgive is freedom. The forgiveness isn't for him, it is for you. It is in forgiving that you will find you. Dear M,

My husband had an affair 1 1/2 years ago with one of his best friends. It took me months to trust him and over a year not to be angry anytime I heard her name. If you love him unconditionally, it is worth saving the marriage.

I told my husband we were going to do the 40 day love dare or go to couseling. He chose to do the Love Dare and in him doing that it transformed how we both looked at each other and how we treated each other. It takes both sides to commit to the other. I believe in second chances. I believe in forgiveness. But to truly forgive is to also trust. There is no future with trust missing.

Learning to trust again takes time and courage. It takes him re-committing himself to the relationship and I remember telling my husband he had to choose. When someone tells you to forget, well, you don’t forget. But inside of all of this, a new relationship can be created between the two of you if that is what you want. It can be something far better than what would seem possible.

If my husband were to make the same choice again, the outcome would be different. To forgive is freedom. The forgiveness isn’t for him, it is for you. It is in forgiving that you will find you.

]]> By: LM http://thatconfidenceguy.com/2009/06/my-husband-cheated-he-expects-me-to-forgive-and-forget-i-have-kids-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-150 LM Thu, 19 Nov 2009 04:14:22 +0000 http://thatconfidenceguy.com/?p=698#comment-150 Dear M. I know this commment is late in the game, but I felt I needed someplace to give and get feedback. I was cheated on before marriage during my first pregnancy. Lied about the circumstances and found out the truth two years later during a breakup (now married). We have had many issues due to this and the fighting continued. A couple years after that, another breakup (due to fighting) and during the one month we were separated, he slept with two woman. I have been with him a total of 16 years and 13 years of marriage which happened shortly after our first pregnancy. After the breakups came pornography, lies and more lies. I have lost whatever was left in me to trust and we are now headed toward divorce. In my case, I created more damage by staying in this unhealthy marriage, look at your situation now and figure out if this could be you down the line. I am in so much pain because I am in love with this man. I have convictions, but it is something I feel I need to do. I sat down and tried to give him a timeline of events and tell him why I have been so distrusting, and he doesn't seem to get it. He says that he has lied and so on because he is fedup with my acusations, how am I supposed to heal if there is always something with this man? He said he will do nothing because it is not his fault. I am broken inside now. I hope eveything works out for you, but please don't lie to yourself, you deserve better. Dear M.
I know this commment is late in the game, but I felt I needed someplace to give and get feedback. I was cheated on before marriage during my first pregnancy.

Lied about the circumstances and found out the truth two years later during a breakup (now married). We have had many issues due to this and the fighting continued.

A couple years after that, another breakup (due to fighting) and during the one month we were separated, he slept with two woman. I have been with him a total of 16 years and 13 years of marriage which happened shortly after our first pregnancy. After the breakups came pornography, lies and more lies.

I have lost whatever was left in me to trust and we are now headed toward divorce.

In my case, I created more damage by staying in this unhealthy marriage, look at your situation now and figure out if this could be you down the line. I am in so much pain because I am in love with this man.

I have convictions, but it is something I feel I need to do. I sat down and tried to give him a timeline of events and tell him why I have been so distrusting, and he doesn’t seem to get it. He says that he has lied and so on because he is fedup with my acusations, how am I supposed to heal if there is always something with this man? He said he will do nothing because it is not his fault. I am broken inside now.

I hope eveything works out for you, but please don’t lie to yourself, you deserve better.

]]> By: Amy http://thatconfidenceguy.com/2009/06/my-husband-cheated-he-expects-me-to-forgive-and-forget-i-have-kids-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-149 Amy Sat, 10 Oct 2009 06:56:29 +0000 http://thatconfidenceguy.com/?p=698#comment-149 I think the process of leaving a man with whom you have children with is much more daunting as the happiness that can be on the other end. Just experienced my husband loosing his job (fired), having to sell our beautiful home. Got pregnant and lost baby at 4 months and find naughty email 2 weeks later. Very easy decision to say kiss my ass and moved without him. It's been 5 months, I am raising our child who is happy and grounded. Have found a very good job and am supporting my family without having to depend on someone who is selfish and undependable and not worth the time and effort I was spending on him. Cheaters are cheaters are cheaters. Get rid of him. Live your life the way you want to! I think the process of leaving a man with whom you have children with is much more daunting as the happiness that can be on the other end.

Just experienced my husband loosing his job (fired), having to sell our beautiful home. Got pregnant and lost baby at 4 months and find naughty email 2 weeks later.

Very easy decision to say kiss my ass and moved without him. It’s been 5 months, I am raising our child who is happy and grounded. Have found a very good job and am supporting my family without having to depend on someone who is selfish and undependable and not worth the time and effort I was spending on him. Cheaters are cheaters are cheaters. Get rid of him.

Live your life the way you want to!

]]> By: Julie http://thatconfidenceguy.com/2009/06/my-husband-cheated-he-expects-me-to-forgive-and-forget-i-have-kids-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-106 Julie Wed, 01 Jul 2009 23:52:58 +0000 http://thatconfidenceguy.com/?p=698#comment-106 Dear M. What has helped me the most is The Work created by Byron Katie. Her books "Loving What Is" and "I Need Your Love, Is That True?" have helped me discover who I am really am, what I truly want and to know my own value - it's a very empowering place to make a life decision from. www.TheWork.com Blessings, Dear M.

What has helped me the most is The Work created by Byron Katie. Her books “Loving What Is” and “I Need Your Love, Is That True?” have helped me discover who I am really am, what I truly want and to know my own value – it’s a very empowering place to make a life decision from. http://www.TheWork.com

Blessings,

]]> By: Neil http://thatconfidenceguy.com/2009/06/my-husband-cheated-he-expects-me-to-forgive-and-forget-i-have-kids-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-48 Neil Thu, 04 Jun 2009 07:05:11 +0000 http://thatconfidenceguy.com/?p=698#comment-48 ...also the you can't know for sure those choices you make will initially take you in the right direction, none of us can, so what I try to do when faced with a difficult decision, is remember this. Try not to beat yourself up to much if you feel very confused, that's part of the process of moving forward, I agree it may seem a clouded part of it, but keep going. Take care Neil …also the you can’t know for sure those choices you make will initially take you in the right direction, none of us can, so what I try to do when faced with a difficult decision, is remember this. Try not to beat yourself up to much if you feel very confused, that’s part of the process of moving forward, I agree it may seem a clouded part of it, but keep going.

Take care
Neil

]]> By: Neil http://thatconfidenceguy.com/2009/06/my-husband-cheated-he-expects-me-to-forgive-and-forget-i-have-kids-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-47 Neil Thu, 04 Jun 2009 06:53:16 +0000 http://thatconfidenceguy.com/?p=698#comment-47 Hi M, Just re-read my email, apologies I said Have a meeting (better not when you’re both as calm as you can be). Meant to read: Have a meeting, (better when you're both as calm as can be). Also I understand he's already broken the biggest agreement you have both made so making any more with him maybe really a difficult thing for you to do again. What ever choices you make, I know you will make them with you and your kids best intentions in mind, that is without question. Neil Hi M,

Just re-read my email,

apologies I said

Have a meeting (better not when you’re both as calm as you can be).

Meant to read: Have a meeting, (better when you’re both as calm as can be).

Also I understand he’s already broken the biggest agreement you have both made so making any more with him maybe really a difficult thing for you to do again. What ever choices you make, I know you will make them with you and your kids best intentions in mind, that is without question.

Neil

]]> By: Neil http://thatconfidenceguy.com/2009/06/my-husband-cheated-he-expects-me-to-forgive-and-forget-i-have-kids-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-44 Neil Wed, 03 Jun 2009 18:51:53 +0000 http://thatconfidenceguy.com/?p=698#comment-44 Hi M, Don't expect him to change, as much as you want him to he either will or won't just as much as he can't just expect you to forgive him, you either will or you won't, that's your choice. I can understand your frustration, It's been done to me I think it hurts just as much for either male or female, though in this situation, Michael has a very good point, your husband doesn't seem to be feeling your pain. Try to make an agreement, but only when you're both ready to make it, if you both want to continue with the relationship that is. Set some boundries, what may be obvious to everyone is that you just don't cheat on your spouse, however, let this be re-established, firm. Have a meeting (better not when you're both as calm as you can be). Say it straight, back to basics. Maybe renew wedding vows when things calm down, doesnt have to be an official ceremony. Of course all this is easier written and said than done, so make some time for yourself, plan it, it may not go according to plan, but at least your paying into to your side of the relationship (you don't need to at all from what I understand- he is the one in debt) , but will your investment pay off? Only time will tell, but your efforts aren't wasted, integrity never is. Hope some of that helped, if not, then you can just ignore. Take Care Neil Hi M,

Don’t expect him to change, as much as you want him to he either will or won’t just as much as he can’t just expect you to forgive him, you either will or you won’t, that’s your choice.

I can understand your frustration, It’s been done to me I think it hurts just as much for either male or female, though in this situation, Michael has a very good point, your husband doesn’t seem to be feeling your pain.

Try to make an agreement, but only when you’re both ready to make it, if you both want to continue with the relationship that is. Set some boundries, what may be obvious to everyone is that you just don’t cheat on your spouse, however, let this be re-established, firm. Have a meeting (better not when you’re both as calm as you can be). Say it straight, back to basics.
Maybe renew wedding vows when things calm down, doesnt have to be an official ceremony.

Of course all this is easier written and said than done, so make some time for yourself, plan it, it may not go according to plan, but at least your paying into to your side of the relationship (you don’t need to at all from what I understand- he is the one in debt) , but will your investment pay off? Only time will tell, but your efforts aren’t wasted, integrity never is.

Hope some of that helped, if not, then you can just ignore.

Take Care

Neil

]]> By: Kasey http://thatconfidenceguy.com/2009/06/my-husband-cheated-he-expects-me-to-forgive-and-forget-i-have-kids-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-43 Kasey Wed, 03 Jun 2009 17:43:59 +0000 http://thatconfidenceguy.com/?p=698#comment-43 It's this scenario that makes me not want to get married or be vulnerable to any man. I'd tell her to take the kids and divorce him his pathetic ass. I think forgiving that kind of behavior is an invitation for it to happen again. I play a one strike game. and a two year affair with no remorse, no guilt enough to end it?! He lacks the basic understanding of a committed relationship, and if he makes her feel terrible... well, what kind of environment is that for her children to grow up in? Her children need to see that their mother is a strong women with self-respect... even if they don't understand now, they will see such in hindsight. If he is putting the burden of forgiveness on her without bending over backwards to save his marriage, she will resent him later and regret wasting her time when the pain finally subsides. My deepest compassion for you M; I pray you have the strength to find the man who will give you the honesty and loyalty you deserve. Plus, the age old adage "Once a cheater, always a cheater." It’s this scenario that makes me not want to get married or be vulnerable to any man. I’d tell her to take the kids and divorce him his pathetic ass. I think forgiving that kind of behavior is an invitation for it to happen again. I play a one strike game.

and a two year affair with no remorse, no guilt enough to end it?! He lacks the basic understanding of a committed relationship, and if he makes her feel terrible… well, what kind of environment is that for her children to grow up in? Her children need to see that their mother is a strong women with self-respect… even if they don’t understand now, they will see such in hindsight.

If he is putting the burden of forgiveness on her without bending over backwards to save his marriage, she will resent him later and regret wasting her time when the pain finally subsides. My deepest compassion for you M; I pray you have the strength to find the man who will give you the honesty and loyalty you deserve.

Plus, the age old adage “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

]]> By: Sandra Milson http://thatconfidenceguy.com/2009/06/my-husband-cheated-he-expects-me-to-forgive-and-forget-i-have-kids-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-42 Sandra Milson Wed, 03 Jun 2009 17:14:27 +0000 http://thatconfidenceguy.com/?p=698#comment-42 Hello, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain. My answer would be to ask yourself "Do I love this man, do I love him unconditionally, can I forgive and forget( the important bit!!)?" If you can 'honestly' do this ( forgive and forget), maybe you and your children have a future with him- if not, and you stay with him, you may hold on to resentment - and your children will pick up on this, and no bones about it, they will pick it up! You owe it to yourself, and your children to be happy, whatever you decide to do.You may like to ask yourself "how will my decision, make me feel about myself in my future?" I hope this has been of some help, remember we all deserve and have the right to be happy, we should avoid settling for less. I wish you love, and light Sandra Hello, I’m sorry to hear that you are in pain.

My answer would be to ask yourself “Do I love this man, do I love him unconditionally, can I forgive and forget( the important bit!!)?”

If you can ‘honestly’ do this ( forgive and forget), maybe you and your children have a future with him- if not, and you stay with him, you may hold on to resentment – and your children will pick up on this, and no bones about it, they will pick it up!

You owe it to yourself, and your children to be happy, whatever you decide to do.You may like to ask yourself “how will my decision, make me feel about myself in my future?”

I hope this has been of some help, remember we all deserve and have the right to be happy, we should avoid settling for less.

I wish you love, and light
Sandra

]]> By: michael http://thatconfidenceguy.com/2009/06/my-husband-cheated-he-expects-me-to-forgive-and-forget-i-have-kids-what-should-i-do/comment-page-1/#comment-30 michael Wed, 03 Jun 2009 11:06:43 +0000 http://thatconfidenceguy.com/?p=698#comment-30 I'm male but I feel M's pain, but only as far as a male can. I would say he doesn't feel your pain... my question to you might be: "how is your response to this problem teaching your man how to treat you in the future?L I’m male but I feel M’s pain, but only as far as a male can.

I would say he doesn’t feel your pain…

my question to you might be:
“how is your response to this problem teaching your man how to treat you in the future?L

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