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“My husband cheated. He expects me to forgive and forget. I have kids. What should I do?”

I need your help.

not-talking

I could feel the pain as I read this next message. It was sent to me after my post “Am I in a bad mood because they’re bastards or is it the other way around?”

Hi Rich,
I like your post but what if the person you are dealing with is your husband and he makes you feel down all the time. You just found out he had an affair for 2 years and he expects you to forgive and forget and continue. Then things get really tricky when you have kids and you don’t want packing and leaving to be the first option…

So it’s been 5 months now since I have found out but still am in a wait and see situation. Should I just say enough is enough and leave? Should I hang around and hope for him to change and be a faithful husband again? How do I handle this?

Thanks and GOD bless…
M.

I know that there are many amazing people who read this blog. People who are passionate; people who have faced tragedies and people who have had triumphs. People who have lived through fun times and people who have lived through challenging times.

So I am calling on the wisdom of our tribe.
I am calling on the wisdom of YOU.

.

What should M do?

“Here’s what I want you to do next.” - Have you had a similar experience? What did you do? How did you handle it?

This blog is about the power of being authentic. So check in with your heart and if you have a story to share, then share it. If you have some wisdom to pass on, then pass it on. If you simply want to connect, then now is your moment.

******

Rich Litvin
that confidence guy.

Author, Speaker, Confidence Coach, Entrepreneur
rich@thatconfidenceguy.com

10 Responses to “My husband cheated. He expects me to forgive and forget. I have kids. What should I do?”

  • michael says:

    I’m male but I feel M’s pain, but only as far as a male can.

    I would say he doesn’t feel your pain…

    my question to you might be:
    “how is your response to this problem teaching your man how to treat you in the future?L

  • Sandra Milson says:

    Hello, I’m sorry to hear that you are in pain.

    My answer would be to ask yourself “Do I love this man, do I love him unconditionally, can I forgive and forget( the important bit!!)?”

    If you can ‘honestly’ do this ( forgive and forget), maybe you and your children have a future with him- if not, and you stay with him, you may hold on to resentment – and your children will pick up on this, and no bones about it, they will pick it up!

    You owe it to yourself, and your children to be happy, whatever you decide to do.You may like to ask yourself “how will my decision, make me feel about myself in my future?”

    I hope this has been of some help, remember we all deserve and have the right to be happy, we should avoid settling for less.

    I wish you love, and light
    Sandra

  • Kasey says:

    It’s this scenario that makes me not want to get married or be vulnerable to any man. I’d tell her to take the kids and divorce him his pathetic ass. I think forgiving that kind of behavior is an invitation for it to happen again. I play a one strike game.

    and a two year affair with no remorse, no guilt enough to end it?! He lacks the basic understanding of a committed relationship, and if he makes her feel terrible… well, what kind of environment is that for her children to grow up in? Her children need to see that their mother is a strong women with self-respect… even if they don’t understand now, they will see such in hindsight.

    If he is putting the burden of forgiveness on her without bending over backwards to save his marriage, she will resent him later and regret wasting her time when the pain finally subsides. My deepest compassion for you M; I pray you have the strength to find the man who will give you the honesty and loyalty you deserve.

    Plus, the age old adage “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

  • Neil says:

    Hi M,

    Don’t expect him to change, as much as you want him to he either will or won’t just as much as he can’t just expect you to forgive him, you either will or you won’t, that’s your choice.

    I can understand your frustration, It’s been done to me I think it hurts just as much for either male or female, though in this situation, Michael has a very good point, your husband doesn’t seem to be feeling your pain.

    Try to make an agreement, but only when you’re both ready to make it, if you both want to continue with the relationship that is. Set some boundries, what may be obvious to everyone is that you just don’t cheat on your spouse, however, let this be re-established, firm. Have a meeting (better not when you’re both as calm as you can be). Say it straight, back to basics.
    Maybe renew wedding vows when things calm down, doesnt have to be an official ceremony.

    Of course all this is easier written and said than done, so make some time for yourself, plan it, it may not go according to plan, but at least your paying into to your side of the relationship (you don’t need to at all from what I understand- he is the one in debt) , but will your investment pay off? Only time will tell, but your efforts aren’t wasted, integrity never is.

    Hope some of that helped, if not, then you can just ignore.

    Take Care

    Neil

  • Neil says:

    Hi M,

    Just re-read my email,

    apologies I said

    Have a meeting (better not when you’re both as calm as you can be).

    Meant to read: Have a meeting, (better when you’re both as calm as can be).

    Also I understand he’s already broken the biggest agreement you have both made so making any more with him maybe really a difficult thing for you to do again. What ever choices you make, I know you will make them with you and your kids best intentions in mind, that is without question.

    Neil

  • Neil says:

    …also the you can’t know for sure those choices you make will initially take you in the right direction, none of us can, so what I try to do when faced with a difficult decision, is remember this. Try not to beat yourself up to much if you feel very confused, that’s part of the process of moving forward, I agree it may seem a clouded part of it, but keep going.

    Take care
    Neil

  • Julie says:

    Dear M.

    What has helped me the most is The Work created by Byron Katie. Her books “Loving What Is” and “I Need Your Love, Is That True?” have helped me discover who I am really am, what I truly want and to know my own value – it’s a very empowering place to make a life decision from. http://www.TheWork.com

    Blessings,

  • Amy says:

    I think the process of leaving a man with whom you have children with is much more daunting as the happiness that can be on the other end.

    Just experienced my husband loosing his job (fired), having to sell our beautiful home. Got pregnant and lost baby at 4 months and find naughty email 2 weeks later.

    Very easy decision to say kiss my ass and moved without him. It’s been 5 months, I am raising our child who is happy and grounded. Have found a very good job and am supporting my family without having to depend on someone who is selfish and undependable and not worth the time and effort I was spending on him. Cheaters are cheaters are cheaters. Get rid of him.

    Live your life the way you want to!

  • LM says:

    Dear M.
    I know this commment is late in the game, but I felt I needed someplace to give and get feedback. I was cheated on before marriage during my first pregnancy.

    Lied about the circumstances and found out the truth two years later during a breakup (now married). We have had many issues due to this and the fighting continued.

    A couple years after that, another breakup (due to fighting) and during the one month we were separated, he slept with two woman. I have been with him a total of 16 years and 13 years of marriage which happened shortly after our first pregnancy. After the breakups came pornography, lies and more lies.

    I have lost whatever was left in me to trust and we are now headed toward divorce.

    In my case, I created more damage by staying in this unhealthy marriage, look at your situation now and figure out if this could be you down the line. I am in so much pain because I am in love with this man.

    I have convictions, but it is something I feel I need to do. I sat down and tried to give him a timeline of events and tell him why I have been so distrusting, and he doesn’t seem to get it. He says that he has lied and so on because he is fedup with my acusations, how am I supposed to heal if there is always something with this man? He said he will do nothing because it is not his fault. I am broken inside now.

    I hope eveything works out for you, but please don’t lie to yourself, you deserve better.

  • MM says:

    Dear M,

    My husband had an affair 1 1/2 years ago with one of his best friends. It took me months to trust him and over a year not to be angry anytime I heard her name. If you love him unconditionally, it is worth saving the marriage.

    I told my husband we were going to do the 40 day love dare or go to couseling. He chose to do the Love Dare and in him doing that it transformed how we both looked at each other and how we treated each other. It takes both sides to commit to the other. I believe in second chances. I believe in forgiveness. But to truly forgive is to also trust. There is no future with trust missing.

    Learning to trust again takes time and courage. It takes him re-committing himself to the relationship and I remember telling my husband he had to choose. When someone tells you to forget, well, you don’t forget. But inside of all of this, a new relationship can be created between the two of you if that is what you want. It can be something far better than what would seem possible.

    If my husband were to make the same choice again, the outcome would be different. To forgive is freedom. The forgiveness isn’t for him, it is for you. It is in forgiving that you will find you.

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