“Am I in a bad mood because they’re bastards or is it the other way around?”
Wow. This was powerful for me.
I’ve been getting lots of interesting messages from readers of this blog. Many of them are emailed to me privately and one message today really touched my heart…
I’ll keeping her name confidential but here’s what she wrote:.
Rich – It’s very inspirational and scary to follow your blog on ThatConfidenceGuy.com
I’m going through a really rough time but also a fantastic time. I read that quote from your friend Michael Neill:
“Your day doesn’t create your mood; your mood creates your day…
When your mood is low, the world looks bleak; when your mood is high, you feel like you can take over the world. When your mood is high, your partner is the most wonderful man or woman in the world; when your mood is low, they’re a complete bastard.”
And being an emotional roller coaster kind of person who’s mood changes all the time, I know exactly what he’s talking about.
What I ask myself though is: how do you know when the people around you aren’t good for you and when you’re just in a bad mood? Is it possible that you’re in a bad mood because they’re bastards or is it the other way around?
My mind is working on over-time all the time and stressing me out asking all kinds of questions leaving me in doubt about almost everything. I have days where I feel great and fantastic and beautiful and days I feel the exact opposite.
I’ve been meaning to write you for a while now and I’m not really sure what I wanted to say apart from the fact that; life is beautiful and hard and amazing and complicated and you’re not alone, I am not alone.
I keep forgetting that and you and your blog help me remember.
So I just wanted to say thank you and God bless!!
Love,S
.
First of all, S…
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your pain.
Thank you for sharing your joy.
Thank you for being vulnerable.
And thank you for reminding me that I am not alone. You are not alone, either.
Ahh. Who am I kidding?
Its SO easy for me to imagine that I’m alone in all this.
I’m alone.
Dealing with my own unique set of issues that no one else could possibly understand.
So I withdraw.
I talk to you less.
And then I resent you.
For not talking to me!
Here are my thoughts on your question “how do you know when the people around you aren’t good for you and when you’re just in a bad mood?”
The truth is, your mood is ALWAYS in your control.
Don’t believe me?
Steven Covey tells a great story of a train ride, where the kids near him began to get more and more boisterous. They began to run around the carriage and their shrieks and screams began to bother him more and more. He felt the anger build up in side of him. Finally he felt that it was too important to say nothing. He was ANGRY now. The father and the kids needed to be taught a lesson.
He said to their father Can’t you do something about your children. They are disturbing the whole carriage. Its pretty selfish, you know.
The father looked up at him with kind of a blank look on his face and said Oh really. I’m sorry. I hadn’t noticed. Their mother just died and we’re coming back from the service…
Did you feel that?
How do you think he felt in that moment?
That story hits me in the gut every time I hear it. (I have been that angry guy.)
So, I’ll say it again: your mood is ALWAYS in your control.
.
One of the simple skills I teach my clients is what I call Optimizing Your Environment…
Can you think of some activities you do that raise your energy level, whatever mood you are in?
- For me this list includes being near water, exercising, reading a great book, listening to anything by Bob Marley, going to a fun dinner party and going to the theater. (For one of my friends, watching Buffy is something that is guaranteed to make him feel great!)
Now, can you think of those people who when you are around them, you just feel great?
- For me this list includes Jamie, Guy, Decker, Michael, Jerry, Garrison.
The next bit is easy… As my grandma would say, do MORE of that!
Spend more time doing activities that raise your energy level; spend more time with people who when you are around them, you just feel great.
.
And there’s a corollary.
Think of some activities you do that lower your energy level, whatever mood you are in.
- For me this list includes aimlessly surfing the internet for hours and staying indoors for an entire day.
Can you think of those people who when you are around them, you just feel great?
Well. I ain’t gonna name names. But there are a few people (who I still love) but I choose to spend less time with.
And Yes. You are right. Since my mood is ALWAYS in my control, I could simply CHOOSE to be happier around those people.
But you know, sometimes life is just too short! I’ll work on being a saint in my next lifetime. In this one, I am working on living a happy life So I spend less and less time with some people and more and more with others…
So, S. asked Is it possible that you’re in a bad mood because they’re bastards or is it the other way around?
My answer is: Who cares?
If you notice yourself feeling consistently wonderful around certain people. Spend more time with them. And if you notice you feel consistently in a bad mood around certain people. Spend less time with them.
And one final thought.
Those people who when you are around them you feel consistently in a great mood…
Seek out MORE people like them…
You’ll be glad you did!
*****
“Here’s what I want you to do next.” - Email me one thing you do that’s guaranteed to make you feel WONDERFUL!
*****
Rich Litvin
that confidence guy.
Author, Speaker, Confidence Coach, Entrepreneur
rich@thatconfidenceguy.com
Hi Rich,
I like your post but what if the person you are dealing with is your husband and he makes you feel down all the time. You just found out he had an affair for 2 years and he expects you to forgive and forget and continue. Then things get really tricky when you have kids and you don’t want packing and leaving to be the first option.
So it’s been 5 months now since I have found out but still am in a wait and see situation. Should I just say enough is enough and leave? Should I hang around and hope for him to change and be a faithful husband again? How do I handle this?
Thanks and GOD bless…
M.
What I do that makes me feel wonderful is that I finally believe that ‘I am enough’ and I make sure I tell myself that, daily. I spent part of my life doing things for others to see what I can accomplished and today I am doing what I want to do.
My thoughts on your blog note about “how do you know when the people around you aren’t good for you and when you’re just in a bad mood?” is that those that are not good for you usually trigger your bad mood. When I am around people who live in fear, skepticism and doubt, I feel like my energy is being sucked out of me.
When I decided to start my own business, those types of people told me I could never do it and why would I leave such a great paying job. I realize today, that it is their fear, not mine, so today I limit the time I spend with individuals that want to tell me what “I cannot do”.
One thing I know about myself, I could sense other’s energies and if it isn’t positive, it will affect my mood, but just temporarily as when I walk away from them I shake away that negative stuff. There is no room for that in my life. I have taken many different kinds of risks in my life and career and was often the first to try out new technologies and when something doeesn’t work, I am unable to sit on it, I need to create a change…..and I do.
So, when you find yourself in a bad mood, ask yourself what you are thinking about that triggered it or who you were talking to recently that may have influenced it or better yet, why hold onto it and feed it…..change it and get back on track towards the great things you were aiming to accomplish. Know yourself and be good to yourself!
A trick I use when I sense someone is sucking away my energy, I put my left hand into my right hand in a cup position just at my stomach level and usually within minutes the person stops whatever they are doing or saying. May sound crazy to you…Try it.
Until next time…..Tina
Hi Rich
I know this may sound like a simplistic answer but please understand that it isn’t. My response is to trust your intuition. For me that means paying attention to the pit of my stomach and my breathing. If my breathing is shallow, if I’m sighing alot, if I feel anxious and sick to my stomach, then it means I’m in a situation I should not be in.
This “knowing” comes on the tail of always “over thinking.” I now know that if I feel it in my gut, I shouldn’t be doing it or it is wrong for me; if I don’t feel it in my gut but am creating scenarios in my mind…essentially “over thinking” then that is my trigger for letting go and trusting that things are as they were meant to be.
Dunno if that makes sense outside of my own mind but the bottom line is no one can “make” you feel any particular way; you allow yourself to feel all that you feel. If you don’t like the feeling, stop allowing it to happen. Trust your gut. Pay attention to your body. A person benefits no one if they themselves are not emotionally and physically healthy.
We all know what we should do, we just rationalize and/or make excuses. We need to trust our gut, get out of our heads and know that all things difficult come with lessons and oftentimes the greater the difficulty, the greater the lesson…learn to always ask yourself what is the lesson in this pain. I really believe that is a very beneficial question and one to be valued.
@Mona: Hi Mona, your post moved me so much I had to write
about it. See the very next post…
If you would like to contact me personally then please
write to me: rich (at) thatconfidenceguy.com
@Tina: I love that you haven’t taken on others fears and
you are out there in the world – doing it, Tina.
What you call your trick of blocking the negative energy
is very powerful. Thanks for sharing. I will definitely
try it out.
Love. Rich
@Deb: trusting your intuition does not sound simplistic to
me, Deb.
Learning to listen to our hearts and trust our (gut)
instinct is at the heart of my work with clients and
is something I have taken years to even begin to
understand…
It was good to read how you are creating your own ways to
tap into your intuition.
You say that my mood is in my control well how do you be around a husband all the time that has a chronic illness, that is not termininal just a pain in the a.. and is constantly complaining and bringing me down?
He ruins events and doesn’t try to get over his afflictions. I live with him. He feels bad about himself but always wears me down after awhile.
I am getting so i don’t even want to come home to him anymore even thought I love the husband when he acts like the man I married. He already went to see a counselor.