My Heart is Aching
I want to say I’m sorry for writing this post.
But I’m not.
This is me.
The good. The bad.
…And the ugly.
I’m a guy who’s on a journey to discover the secrets to natural confidence and to share what I learn on my travels…
In case you don’t know, I am currently traveling the world and writing the book “Secrets of The World’s Most Confident People”. I am literally searching out The World’s Most Confident People and interviewing them.
How am I choosing the people I interview?
I simply looked at the main ways I lack confidence in the world – and there are four of them.
I lack confidence around Sex, Money, Other People and Being Creative.
So the next part was easy…
I want to meet the most Sexually Confident people in the world.
I want to meet people so Confident with Money that they can generate whatever they need. Whenever they need it.
I want to interview men and women so Confident with Other People that they can walk into a party or a networking meeting not knowing a soul and walk out with a dozen phone numbers! (Me, I break into a sweat every time I walk into a party…)
And I want to interview people with such Creative Confidence that they feel free to do what they love. And even those creative people who have seen huge success: artists; musicians; film stars and more. Creative souls who are so excited about their work that others pay them. LOTS. Paid for doing what they LOVE – imagine that! So they can KEEP doing what they LOVE!
Cool. So why the aching heart? That sounds like fun.
If you don’t know, then read this older post…
As I write, I’m currently living on a beach in Thailand (I know. I know. What are you complaining about, dude?!)
And my wife has decided to take time away from me. Hey, who am I kidding? We are separating.
We are separating to get clear on what we both really, really, REALLY want from life.
That may include being together (Personally, I hope it does).
And it may not…
The key to being authentic is that I hide nothing. So you’re gonna get all of me on this blog. And I’ll be unapologetic about it.
Except when I say sorry.
So here’s the strange bit.
We have three more days together on this beach and I realized that I can spend this time being sad and upset and miserable and morose and gloomy [insert your favorite adjective for when you feel down in a relationship]. Or I can Choose My Experience.
My friend Michael Neill is a Supercoach (well, he ought to be – he has just written the book, Supercoach!) In Supercoach he says:
“Your day doesn’t create your mood; your mood creates your day…
When your mood is low, the world looks bleak; when your mood is high, you feel like you can take over the world.
When your mood is high, your partner is the most wonderful man or woman in the world; when your mood is low, they’re a complete bastard.
The difference is, as always, not in the world, but is being created inside you. And a deeper understanding of how it’s being created will give you a whole lot more options about what to do about it.”
He goes on to say that the important thing to realize about your thinking, particularly your “unhappy” thinking is:
“It’s never the first thought never hurts – it’s the fifth, or fiftieth, or even five hundredth which inevitably comes when you follow a negative train of thought on its rambling journey to destinations unknown.”
And I get it.
I can sit here on this beautiful beach, and go off into my head, judging myself for all the mistakes I made, worried about how I’ll cope when my wife leaves or anxious about a future alone…
OR…
I can look at the beautiful blue ocean, the golden sand and the stunning woman in a bright red bikini lying next to me (that’s my wife, Monique, by the way!) And I can be totally present in this moment.
My life is great. I have 2 more weeks in Thailand; then 2 weeks in Singapore, where I’ll be interviewing two women who have been guests on Oprah. After that, I travel to China. I don’t know what will happen then. But I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
My heart hurts.
AND…
My life is great.
“Here’s what I got.” - I’ve got a download of my favorite song by my wife, Monique DeBose, from her 2nd album “Choose The Experience: Volume 2″ She’s an amazing singer/songwriter. Check her out here and download Enjoy The Ride here
Rich, thank you for your transparency and vulnerability. It is a huge gift. And I am sending you a little extra strength to carry you through the lonely periods. I look forward to reading what unfolds for you.
Lots of love from the Bay,
Mel
Beautiful Rich, I want more, and I want you back here in the bay.
Rich…
I am sad, scared, and excited to report that I can totally empathize with your current state. After about 3.5 years of marriage and nearly 11 years of dating, my husband and I have decided on a long-term separation to find our truest passions, fears, talents, adventures…selves.
Alex and I met when we were teenagers and started dating almost immediately. We journeyed through several major life transitions and a long-distance relationship for 2 years together. We are best friends and each other’s first EVERYTHING! He and I share a deeper love and respect for one another than I ever imagined possible with anyone. So why step away?
Through all those years of growing up… we spent more time getting to know each other and conforming to what we were “supposed to do”, than taking the time to get to know ourselves and trusting that living life outside the box- while scary at times- leads to greater happiness along the way!!
Living a life unknowingly ruled by fears and conformity has obviously lead us down an unhealthy path. So we’ve decided that in order to ensure our happiness and fulfillment as individuals from TODAY on… we must split and figure out who we are and what we want! It is exciting and adventurous, but at the same time sad and fear-inducing. The difference is… now we are no longer willing to cave to the fear!!
I am all too familiar with the rapid-cycling, intense emotions that accompany us along this journey. At times, the pain and heartache is so thick and palpable that it feels as though you’re being strangled or cut open and left for dead. But it is through feeling and sitting with this excruciating pain– being lead into the fire and letting it burn us, that we are reborn into stronger, more powerful, more capable and loving people. We are blessed with the ability to experience the intensity of the life force in times of tremendous pain and overwhelming blissfulness!
I too, would not change a thing! I too, feel more like myself than I ever have! I too, am grateful for every struggle life has laid before my feet! I too, am excited for the amazing and unknown road which lies ahead!
I’m with you…one marvelous step at a time!
Ellen
“When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.”
“Don’t underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear, and not bothering.”
Hi Rich
Thought I would begin with a couple of “Poohisms.” Did you smile? Good, it was effective! But did you think about each quote? This little bear is a wise old bear.
I hear your voice when you write and through that written “sound” I hear your internal struggles. The heart wants what the heart wants, yes? The mind battles with the heart. You are so right on about making your days with Monique memorable in a fun and positive way; you will have time to grieve after. I hope you take that time; it’s healthy.
I am taking each situation I find myself in, thoughtfully these days. This means that when discomfort happens, I ask myself, “What is the lesson in this discomfort?” “What do I do to take this discomfort and turn it into a positive?” Then I become thoughtful and insightful and THEN, proactive. My steps; not necessarily yours, but I thought I’d throw that out there. I guess I am trying to say, “Learn through your pain.”
You are loved and held dear to many. You are surrounded by open-hearts, open-minds and open-arms [I hear a Journey song comin' on!
~]. The universe has provided you with a gift in love and in career. You are blessed and when you stay true to yourself, you know your life works out as it should.
That’s all I got at almost midnight. If it appears as if I’ve rambled, you’re probably right
But the woman’s heart is where it should be…with her friend overseas.
Love ya
Deb
@Deb: I can feel your heart and your openness and your love and your laughter, Deb.
“What is the lesson in this discomfort?” “What do I do to take this discomfort and turn it into a positive?” – that is SO powerful…
Thanks for sharing Winnie The Pooh with me, too (and I thought he was a British thing!)
much love.
Rich
@Mel – I got your extra strength. Thank you
@David – I’ll be visiting the Bay soon. But first two more weeks in China. Then LA. Then Phoenix. Then San Diego. Then back to LA. (I guess I like to get around!)
@Ellen – my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing.
I loved reading your words, “I too, would not change a thing! I too, feel more like myself than I ever have! I too, am grateful for every struggle life has laid before my feet! I too, am excited for the amazing and unknown road which lies ahead!
I’m with you… one marvelous step at a time!”
A fellow adventurer in the journey we call life. Its great to see you here!
Love. Rich