I’m in Pain…
Well. I didn’t imagine that this is how I would launch my blog on the world!
Here I am – that confidence guy – and I’m in pain.
My wife, Monique, is taking time out to reflect on what she really wants in a relationship. And ultimately to decide whether or not she wants to be in our relationship.
It’s painful.
I’m in pain.
And I wouldn’t be anywhere else right now.
I used to say to people “relationships are challenging” – well, they are, aren’t they?!
And then I realized that if I keep saying that relationships are challenging, I’m going to keep creating challenging relationships.
So I changed my wording.
I began to say “relationships are an adventure…”
Adventure is an important value to me. (It’s the reason I am writing this article in a cafe in central Bangkok. It’s the reason started traveled alone at 19, worked in Africa and Asia and left a successful career and sold everything I own to leave my home in London, England, four years ago and totally reinvented my life.)
And this current relationship sure IS an adventure!
Almost three years ago, I met a beautiful woman when I was traveling in San Francisco. I proposed to her ten days after I met her. She said yes!
And we took off to India a month after we met, as she’s an amazing singer (www.moniquedebose.com) and was performing in New Delhi for 4 months. We returned and got married in the stunning City Hall in San Francisco. We spent an entire year traveling across Europe, Africa and Asia.
We lived in San Francisco for a year. We got re-married last summer in England, celebrating with my British friends and family and her family who flew over with us.
We volunteered on the Obama campaign together. We even got to meet Barack Obama in March 2008 – and when he asked me why an Englishman was helping his campaign, I joked that I’d flown over to help him. He laughed and said, no seriously…
I pointed at Monique and said I’m here because of her. He smiled and said that’s one fine looking woman!
We spent 3 months apart when she performed in Beijing, China. And now we are heading to a beach in Thailand, to work out what next.
She’s doing some serious thinking right now to work out what she wants.
And that’s not easy for me.
My wife is debating whether or not she wants to be with me.
And I support her.
She’s an amazing woman. And I want the best for her.
I love her.
And boy is it painful to know that she may decide she wants something different.
What’s strange for me, though, is that I have no regrets.
I have played full out.
I have been more me than in any other relationship.
I’ve shared much pleasure and pain with this woman.
I’ve stepped further into my power since we met and she has done the same.
I’ve seen my flaws and my fears and my failings and I have learned and grown. And sometimes I’ve stayed small, too.
I feel pretty solid.
I feel grounded in a sense of my purpose in the world – I help people turn great lives into amazing lives.
And I’m living an amazing life right now.
If we stay together our lives will be amazing.
If we split up our lives will be amazing.
I truly believe that.
AND I’m in pain.
I’m keeping my heart open when I just want to close it and run off on my own.
I’m in pain.
And I’m smiling.
**************
PS. Monique just turned up in the internet cafe as I wrote the last word of this article and I read it to her. By the end, our eyes were glistening with tears…
Rich Litvin
that confidence guy.
Author, Speaker, Confidence Coach, Entrepreneur
rich@thatconfidenceguy.com
Great website Rich. I went to see Russell Brand live at the 02 Dome a couple of weeks ago, it was brilliant. That’s an audience of 16,000 people and he seemed very relaxed! Apparently, he does call Paul Mckenna just before going on stage for a confidence boost. Have you managed to get anywhere near Russell? I’d love to hear an interview with him (plus you would attract his very dedicated fan base).
As for Michael Neill – his newsletters are so inspiring, I have joined millions of mailing lists in my internet life and his is the only one I read every single time!
I’m afraid I’m not sure about Decker and his manipulative games to get women into bed though!!
As for “I’m in pain”, never mind your eyes glistening, I was crying real tears! Wishing you all the best and strength to cope with whatever comes your way.
Hi Rich!
Bold you are Brother! You’re inspiring and you wake up in me a part that I knew was there, but was afraid to be! Playing full out doesn’t mean everything works out beautifully as you point out, it means you have the confidence to play full out no matter how it turns out…kind of like living a full life! I just had a perspective sponsor pull out of my Jazz festival this week…and I am in pain! I allowed them to make their decision. It reminded me of dating! I felt rejected and insufficient! Then I realized that all I could do was ask someone else! They weren’t the only ones to ask! Reading your blog this morning gave me boost to go confidently in the direction of my dream (Thoreau?). Thanks so much ofr the gift you are to humanity.
Your Buddy,
Phil
Hi Rich, I experienced chillbumps of excitement and inspriation reading this post. thanks for the inspiration.
Eduardo
(your amp bro)
Hey Sweetie
Life is indeed, a great adventure. You are an inspiration and a true example of how to be authentic and true to yourself and to this woman you love. You know that saying, “That which we resist; persists” and you are a demonstrating, by your thoughts and actions, how to be what is needed at this time and not resist. I’d like to share with you, something amazingly beautiful. I’m certain you know it and equally as certain you will love it as I do:
Kahlil Gibran On Marriage
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
Much love my friend. Stay true.
Deb
DAMN! That was STUNNING and BEAUTIFUL. Talk about walking the talk. You are living so far on the fucking edge, I am speechless with awe and gratitude. THIS is love my friends. YES, YES, YES, YES. That’s what I’m talkin’ bout. Thank you for sharing……
Erinn
Dolly – thank you. My goal is to interview both Paul McKenna and Russell Brand, once I get back to the US mid-June. I’ll keep you posted.
Phil – “le chaim” my brother… Le Chaim is a Hebrew expression meaning “To Life…” Here’s to us both continuing to live amazing lives.
Eduardo – so great to see you here. Thank you, man.
Deb – “Love one another, but make not a bond of love… Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.” Such moving words. Thank you…
Erinn – YES, YES, YES, YES! Much love.
Rich
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I applaud your bravery, Rich (“I’m keeping my heart open when I just want to close it and run off on my own”) and ability to share your private feelings with your audience. I pray you find it liberating and that it helps you walk through this current valley – from which you WILL emerge stronger and more secure.
You two appear to have a special bond and ALL such bonds have to be tested at certain points. It is a crucial part of the journey of strengthening ourselves. Therefore it is a “necessary pain” and I pray you two lovely people come away from this with an even stronger bond.
Ayshah, thank you for your kind words and your support.
I appreciate you.
NOW I understand why you asked me today if I had read your news and I am sorry I am right in the opposite role as you are facing now! To tune again with you I randomly opened the book “the power of simple prayer”by Joyce Meyer and I read: “what little, hidden secret places do we have in our hearts? What are the things about which we say – well God You can have everything but that- …”. My heart is with you dear Rich and Monique xxx take loving care, Silvia
Silvia – thanks for your kind words.
You are such loving woman.
Love, Rich
Rich, thanks for sharing, honesty and openness. It was great chatting with you last night. reading about your journey i get reminded over and over again about being present and embracing all that is right here right now.
enjoy the rest of your stay in beijing and good luck with the book
Bravo, you were not mistaken